We’re Not Who We Were: Relationships in the Aftermath of Loss
- Vanessa May
- 3 days ago
- 4 min read
There is a quiet truth that often goes unspoken after traumatic loss: we are not who we were before. And neither are our relationships.
When a loss is deeply traumatic, it disrupts our sense of safety, identity, meaning, and connection. The ground shifts beneath everything, including our relationships with family and friends.
Loss Changes Us So That We’re Not Who We Were: Relationships in the Aftermath of Loss
Traumatic grief can involve shock, numbness, rage, guilt, anxiety, disorientation and exhaustion as well as, of course, bone-deep sadness. It can feel like living in a world that no longer makes sense.
You may notice:
You have less patience.
You withdraw more.
You’re easily overwhelmed.
You struggle to relate to people who haven’t experienced your kind of loss.
You feel older than you are.
You feel more fragile.
Your nervous system has been altered by grief and trauma. The way you experience closeness, conflict, and even ordinary conversation may shift. This is a very normal grief response. But unfortunately, when we change, so can our relationships with others.
When You and Your Partner Grieve Differently
One of the most painful realisations after a shared loss is that grief rarely looks the same for each person.
One of you may want to talk constantly. The other may go silent.
One may cry openly. The other may throw themselves into work or practicalities.
One may need closeness. The other may need space.
It can feel like you’re grieving alone — even while sitting beside someone who is grieving the same person.
This is because your nervous systems and coping strategies are different and trauma can magnify those differences.
Without understanding this, couples often fall into quiet resentment:
“Why aren’t you as devastated as I am?”
“Why can’t you just move forward?”
“Why won’t you talk to me?”
But beneath those questions is usually something more vulnerable:
“Do you feel what I feel?”
“Are we still in this together?”
Significant loss often reorganises family systems
After the death of a parent, partner or a child, the whole family dynamic changes. After the loss of a partner, the remaining partner becomes the sole decision-maker. Following a tragedy such as the loss of a child, the “strong one” in the family might collapse, and the “quiet one” may become the anchor.
Sometimes resentment creeps in:
“Why am I the only one holding this together?”
“I didn’t choose this responsibility.”
"I need you to be who you were before - and I'm furious that you're not"
Eventually, adjustment to the new dynamic may happen, though sadly it's not always the case that fractures within the family heal...
When Friends and Family Don’t Understand
Friends may not know what to say; family members may minimise your pain; people may expect you to “be better” after a certain amount of time.
You may find yourself thinking:
“I can’t relate to them anymore.”
“Their problems are so trivial compared to mine.”
“I don’t belong in the same world.”
Some Friendships Fade
Grief has a way of clarifying who can sit in discomfort and who can't, friends may just disappear, unsure of what to say to you. Others may minimise the loss:
“At least they lived a long life.”
“You can have another child/meet another partner.”
“Everything happens for a reason.”
Comments meant to comfort feel invalidating.
At the same time, unexpected people sometimes show up with extraordinary compassion. A casual acquaintance may become a lifeline or a co-worker may quietly check in every week. Grief rearranges your address book - and it reveals the emotional capacity of those around you. So when people show you who they are, believe them.
Who Are We Now?
We’re not who we were and our relationships change in the aftermath of loss. Traumatic loss reshapes our identity. It changes priorities, tolerance levels, and how we look at life. It’s very common to ask: Who am I now?
Some relationships fracture under the weight of grief. Some grow deeper, more honest, less superficial. Loss alters our map of life and we may well need to find new roads and new people who understand first hand what we're going through.
I write about how grief affects relationships in my new book 'When Grief Takes Everything: A Survival Guide to Devastating Loss' as well as in my first book 'Love Untethered: How to Live When Your Child Dies' If you're struggling with grief and loss, I hope you will find them helpful.
"When Grief Takes Everything is not just a story of grief, trauma and despair but a guide to navigating through this new world that makes no sense"
Click here to purchase
'When Grief Takes Everything'
I have written three books about grief - visit my Books page to read about them all
And please use the Contact page, if you'd like to find out about the grief support sessions I offer, or if you'd like to join my mailing list.
Vanessa May
Holistic Grief Coach & Certified Grief Educator
BANT Nutritional Therapist
ILM accredited Wellbeing Coach
Spiritual Life Coach
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