When will my grief get better?

Vanessa May
Apr 30
2 min read

Everyone wants to know how long grief will last

Unfortunately, no one can answer this for you so it’s best not to listen to the very subjective opinions of others, which can only ever be true for them. The standard response to the question 'when will my grief get better' is that the grief changes. This is indeed true. There really is no timeline for grief and it’s going to be different for everyone, but when the loss has been a traumatic one, such as the loss of your child, then inevitably grief is more likely to be complicated and of greater intensity.

We can’t compare ourselves to others as we all have a unique set of circumstances even if we’ve had the same type of loss. I feel I can at least reassure you that it's possible that some (but realistically not all if the loss has been traumatic) aspects of your grief are likely to improve. However, further losses, secondary losses, other life challenges, PTSD, our mental and physical health will all have a bearing on how our grief changes shape.

Grief makes you feel like you want to go home but you can't

There can be a feeling of homesickness in grief that’s hard to explain. It makes you feel like you want to go home but you can’t. You no longer feel you belong in your old world and, anyway, you couldn’t go back there even if you wanted to. So you feel isolated, with an overwhelming sense of sadness and yearning to be with your loved ones who felt like ‘home’. Sometimes our old life feels like yesterday, sharply and painfully in focus, and at other times it starts to feel hazy, hard to grasp or fully recall.

As the shock and rawness recedes and the grief becomes familiar, you acclimatise to your new unasked-for life. And it’s this familiarity that can make things a bit easier. Whilst it’s completely understandable to kick and scream violently against the injustice of your situation – ‘this wasn’t meant to happen to me, this wasn’t supposed to be how my life turned out’ – working towards an acceptance of what has happened, and how you can’t change it, can help us move towards peace and away from the relentless turmoil of overwhelming emotions.

Grief may never go, but it won’t always feel so consistently intense

Meanwhile, we must hang on to the simple fact that love doesn’t die and to find some comfort in that. ‘What is grief if not love persevering’. Grief wouldn’t exist if there hadn’t been love and that love expands rather than diminishes, if you let it.

You can read more on this subject in my book 'Love Untethered: How to Live When Your Child Dies'

And if you'd like grief support from someone who understands traumatic grief from both a personal and professional viewpoint, please visit my website: holistic grief coaching