How Grief Affects the Mind: Understanding Grief and Our Emotions
Grief is a ‘whole being’ experience, affecting every part of us: mind, body and soul.
I was asked to write a series about this subject for Forever Missed, based on my book When Grief Takes Everything'
Here's Part 1, with Part 2 (grief and the body) and 3 (grief and the soul) to follow:
How Grief Affects the Mind: Understanding Grief and Our Emotions
Our mind is responsible for our thoughts, beliefs and actions. Grief can massively impact – and potentially radically change – all of these, as well as affecting our memory, our ability to make decisions and to think clearly.
Grief disrupts the assumptions our mind has previously held. So it can struggle to update and process what has happened.
The bigger the role our people played in our lives, and the more of our heart they occupied, the more we are going to feel the pain of their absence. Feelings that are uncomfortable are part of being human and are no less valid than ‘positive’ feelings. We have to make space for ALL our feelings, because pushing them down only means they will come up later. And often then the body expresses them for us.
Grief and emotional dysregulation
We may have difficulty managing our emotions in the early days of grief, especially if the loss was traumatic. The mind interprets our emotions and influences how we respond to them. But when something truly terrible has happened to us, we can feel raw. As if we’ve lost a layer of skin, and we may become over-reactive and extra sensitive. This is a very understandable response. So it’s important to be kind to ourselves, especially when others may not be because they don’t fully understand.
Grief inevitably involves a lot of ‘what if’s and ‘if only’s’ as we try to make sense of our loss. Could we have saved them, changed the outcome, if we’d done something different? This is our mind trying to find some sense of control over what happened. Because it’s usually easier to blame ourselves (or others) than to feel powerless. The truth is that, in most cases, we were unable to change what happened to our loved ones.
No feeling is final
The ground beneath our feet has shifted and our mind may lead us to believe that we can no longer trust life. Many people who haven’t experienced a major loss live with the illusion that they are in control of their lives. But, in fact, the only thing we can really rely on is that nothing is permanent, as we have unfortunately discovered. But that also means that our emotional pain at its very worst isn’t permanent either, despite what we may believe in the early days. It may never go, but it won’t always feel so consistently intense. Meanwhile, we must hang on to the simple fact that love doesn’t die and to find some comfort in that. Grief wouldn’t exist if there hadn’t been love, and that love expands rather than diminishes, if you let it.
There is so much to adjust to after loss and it’s a lot for our minds to comprehend. The effect that grief has on our mind and emotions can be far-reaching and often overwhelming. So I try, as much as I’m able, to apply this Buddhist approach to my grief. I share it here in the hope that it might be helpful for you too:
‘Hold it loosely,
hold it lightly,
hold it with love.’
If 'How Grief Affects the Mind: Understanding Grief and Our Emotions' has been helpful and you would like to know more about the kind of grief support I offer, see here for more details.
I have written three books about grief - visit my Books page to read about them all
And please use the Contact page, if you'd like to find out about the grief support sessions I offer, or if you'd like to join my mailing list.
Vanessa May
Holistic Grief Coach & Certified Grief Educator
BANT Nutritional Therapist
ILM accredited Wellbeing Coach
Spiritual Life Coach
